I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
