he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
