Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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