Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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