You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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