I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I forget how to act sober
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
