She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
