I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
