You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
