I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
