i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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