i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
