i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Green mimosas i think yes
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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