How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
