Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize