dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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