I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
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