Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
