I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
