Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
