Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
