A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
