i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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