I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
