Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
