I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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