My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
All the doctor said was why
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
