i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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