I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
