saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
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i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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