Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
