see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
