everyone is single if you try hard enough
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
