I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
