TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
