Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
