I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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