Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
