I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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