Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
