my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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