it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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