I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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