guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
