I saw his package. It spoke to me.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
