I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
