Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
we're so committed to being not committed
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
