How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
