I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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