I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
