Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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