he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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