I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
