my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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