bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
